I took both my boys to the shops two days in a row. That doesn't sound remarkable really but given I don't drive and that I'm still hobbling a little with the knee situation and that my stomach still hurts post c-section and pregnancy it actually is kind of a big deal.
What was an even bigger deal though was that I was abused on both occasions by fellow mothers.
Thursday saw us on the train to our local shopping centre. I decided to try to wear the Bebito out by allowing him to walk alongside me & the Little Lion in his pram. He did well, better than I anticipated, during the whole trip. The issue came when we disembarked from the train and I picked Bebito up and placed him on the platform so he didn't fall in the gap, giving him a stern warning to stay right where he was. I then backed off the train with Little Lion. A mother who got off at the same stop proceeded to give me a rather loud lecture about how I shouldn't leave my child abandoned on the platform and that I should take better care of my kids. Right you are lady! I was in a rather chipper mood so just smiled at her and thanked her for her advice in my most sickly sweet voice.
Today, we braved a visit to Father Christmas with my Mum at her local shopping centre. I was hesitant about this cos um, my mum lives in bogan central and I hate her shops but she was keen to run a few errands at the shops too so I acquiesced. I was doubly hesitant as visits to Father Christmas have been less than successful in the past. As we entered the centre the Bebito ran ahead of mum and I. The kid is a 3 year old boy after all and he loves to run so we usually allow him to run a little ahead and call out to him to stop regularly for us to catch up to him. This works 98% of the time. Today though, as we called out for him to stop a woman, her daughter and a less than year old grandson pulled out with their trolley and almost hit Bebito. The woman then proceeded to yell at me, "this is a shopping centre hold his bloody hand. You're clearly the worst mother ever, you stupid cow!" It could have been that I've had about 4 hours broken sleep a night for the past week, it could have been that she called me a bad mum, it could have been that the baby was unsettled and hadn't slept since 5am, it could have been my anxiety about the trip to begin with, it could have been that my child was just being a 3 year old and she had no empathy for that, it could have been that she called me stupid and I suspect that it was a combination of all of these things but I got REALLY MAD. I don't actually get mad very often. Hurt, yes but mad not much. So as she sauntered off on her high horse I quipped back in my most sarcastic tone, "thank you for your Christmas spirit, I wish you and your family every happiness at this lovely time of year!" At which point she stopped and started swearing like a trooper at me. I grinned wildly back as I gritted my teeth and replied, "so much for my "bad" parenting, I don't swear in front of my children but you've just taught mine several lovely new words." My Mum who's the least confrontational person who ever walked insisted we leave at this point. I was so angered by this encounter that it took me most of the day to calm down.
I've been thinking about why it made me so mad and I think at heart it is the complete lack of empathy and snap judgements these women made. Ultimately, I'm not a perfect person nor am I the perfect mama but damn it if I don't try my hardest to be the best I can be. I am happy to receive criticism and use it as a means to self reflect and make changes sometimes too but there was nothing remotely constructive about the way these women approached me. They just wanted to yell / vent / tell me how shit I am and move on with their judgey McJudgey lives. How is that helpful to anyone? When I see a Mum struggling with her smalls I smile a knowing smile or offer assistance, I don't yell at them. These women are the reason so many Mum's would rather not brave outings with their children in tow...there's little acceptance or tolerance of children in so many public situations, especially exuberant and curious children like Bebito. I'm not saying there should be a licence for them to misbehave but so what if he runs a little and he's loud as he asks a billion questions.
And....don't even get me started on how little the true meaning of Christmas seems to be of value to people such as these. I'm not in the slightest bit religious but I really do value the message of love and acceptance that should prevail at this time of year.
Have you ever been abused by a complete stranger? How did you deal with it?
Ok, second try!
ReplyDeleteI've been lucky but my husband has experienced some similar things and I hate it. His are mostly like the first you described - tend to be older ladies telling him what to do, probably assuming he's babysitting his kids and needs to be told...
I'm so mad on your behalf, I just don't get why people need to get all judgemental and make comments to other mums - maybe they could just lend a hand.
Oh, I'd totally do what you did getting off the train. I know my own child and W is such a sensible kid he wouldn't move a muscle!
I cannot believe the nerve of some people! Why do some people think that it is okay to stick their noses into other people's business, to give out unwanted advice like they are some kind of authority? I don't blame you for being maddened. I would have been shaken for days. Well done for getting out of the house with your boys. You know, yesterday was the first time I have taken my two out shopping and my baby girl is 8 months!
ReplyDeleteGood on you for standing up to a bully and letting your kids know that is what to say.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I would have just burst into tears and cried and cried.
I have been abused by strangers... and not put up with it, giving my own g-rated replies about how people should mind their own business. What really gets me going is what lies behind these comments, and I'm always torn between feeling anger and sorry for the person. We never know what another person is going through, their story, unless we know them so it upsets me when one mum lectures another without knowing them, their knowledge, their history, their day and I wonder what they're going through that makes them feel that's ok. Part of me feels sorry for them, because they must feel immense pressure to be the 'perfect parent' all the time to meet their own standards and there's so much joy they're missing out on. Either way, it's not good and it makes me squeeze my boys that much closer while I think how I would never be mean to them or another parent because we all have best interests at heart and do the best we can. So sorry you needed to go through this lovely.
ReplyDeleteSome people are just...bizarre. I can only think that they are spoiling for a fight, because noone would ever expect that they could tell someone she was a bad mother & not have that mum tell them to get lost in some way or another. Chronically confrontational. How awful that you encountered 2 in the one day. I'll bet they are at home sucking on lemons & working on their sourpuss faces & nasty comments *right now*. I don't know you in real life but I still just know you are a GREAT mum! X
ReplyDeleteThat is just awful. You're right - young children aren't very well tolerated by society. I was once "advised" that my tantruming daughter needed a good beating. I was dumbfounded and frankly scared. I said nothing - then when I got to the car thought of all the things I'd could've said.
ReplyDeleteMy children run ahead all the time.
Cat, you are such an amazing lady. I've been following your blog for a while now (our kiddos are similar ages). As I do not have a mum ( read about it here http://www.baby-mac.com/2011/12/amelias-love-story.html) I have turned to the blogosphere for 'motherly' advice and yours is often a source for much needed inspiration. Thanks for being an honest and brilliant mummy who shares her real experiences. X
ReplyDeleteIn my experience people like this are just grown-up bullies, desperately unhappy in their own lives. I'm glad your Mum was with you. Horrid people. Hope Santa leaves a lump of coal in their stockings.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to use profanities on your beautiful blog Cat, but I have no patience left in me today. What utter, judgmental fricken (I couldn't go through with it, it's too nice a space here) BITCHES you encountered this week!!!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, a standing ovation for taking your 2 children out not only on your own, but 1 is a newborn, the other is THREE, you had to take public transport and you're still in pain! I think that is a huge achievement in itself!
The first time I took both of my boys out on my own was to a shopping centre, the little one was 6 weeks old, he cried for the whole time, I spent 1 hour in the baby change room feeding him while bellowing out to my then 2 year old, then I went in to the shop Lisa Ho, where my 2 year old proceeded to vomit all over the shop!!!! After 3 hours at the shopping centre, we went home without buying anything - not even get food for dinner!!!
I can't believe the woman at the train station didn't help!! If she was truly well meaning in thinking Bebito was possibly in a dangerous position (which, knowing you I am sure he wasn't), she should have offered to help you with the pram so you could attend to him. Judgmental cow.
The second woman was a full blown wack job so I think you should completely wipe that encounter as being a freak occurrence that had absolutely nothing to do with you.
I think it's perfectly normal to be feeling rocked by those situations. You are sleep deprived, learning to juggle two very different kids, not to mention being in physical pain, I would have completely lost the plot had that happened to me.
I'm pretty sure I've had several encounters like this, but have blocked them from my memory. I hope you can block these too very soon.
For what it's worth, I think you seem like an amazing mum and you teach and inspire me with your energy, creativity and positivity.
xoxo
Oh my gawd, I can't believe you had two such encounters. What is wrong with people!?
ReplyDeleteFortunately, I've not had any encounters with other people. Perhaps I just have a face that says "don't mess with me"?
I let my walk whenever we go to the shopping centre - how else are they going to learn? And explore? And all those things kids should do?
The best thing I've learnt this year is to have confidence in my decisions. When I do something (like pop my son on a train platform - which I've done) I know it's the right thing for me and my family, so if people do want to criticise/comment they can go right ahead.
oooh, that should be my *son* walk ...
ReplyDeleteLOVE your responses! Those calm responses are the best for putting people back in their place... I struggle with doing that, I tend to just get angry or glare at them. And then think of the good comebacks later.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why people do this stuff. I often think people need to be less concerned with judgement and more concerned with actual wellbeing - for example if the woman by the train was really concerned perhaps she could have offered to help? Or even just quietly keep an eye on Bebito while he was standing there, ready to jump up and help if needed? To me, that would be actual concern.
And I won't even get started on the fact that a child being given an age appropriate amount of independence and responsibility is actually a GOOD thing!
I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through that Cat. For what it's worth I have been following your blog for a couple of months now, and i think you are doing a tremendous job, of being mum to two little ones.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced similar things, and it really does make the blood boil. As a mother of a little girl who has struggled a lot with her social development, there have been many occasions when I have wished that I had just stayed at home, after receiving some horrible glares or comments from complete strangers.
Must say that I found it very upsetting and disappointing when I first became a mother, to see how so many women are quick to judge others. Interestingly I don't think I have ever been on the end of a nasty comment or disapproving stare, from a male when out in public. Why do these nasty judgments always seem to be from some old woman, who quite frankly must of forgotten what it's like to be a mother, or a mother with children of the same age/stage, who should know how difficult it can be.
One things for sure, there's nothing nicer than getting a reassuring smile from a fellow mother when you're out and about and things are getting "tricky", it reminds us that there are plenty of women out there that understand and care. x
oh cat that sounds terrible.
ReplyDeletei'd say you might have needed a strong drink after that!
i remember taking gordy on the bus when he was about 5 months old, we had pretty much spent the whole week at home as he was teething and out of sorts, i was going a bit mad at home so i thought we would catch the bus into the city for a walk around. as soon as i got on the bus he started screaming and i didn't know whether to unstrap him or leave him, i hadn't had much practice at taking babies on a bus! some old woman were telling me that i should stay at home if my baby was sick, another woman was yelling out to 'stop that baby crying' and a another woman was yelling at that woman, telling her that i was doing the best i could!
it was disastrous and i quickly got off at the next stop and was too scared to catch a bus again for a long time!
now i just laugh when people say things and dont really give it much thought. they dont know the great job i do. it is so challenging with little ones, especially two as we are finding out!
it really astounds me some reactions to babies and small children - i feel like asking them if they were ever a child or have kids. children are not programmed to behave exactly how we want 24 hours a day. if they were the world would be a boring place.
yes, abused by the mother of the toddler whom i scooped up as he ran out the electric doors of the megamall towards the carpark … i can't think about that incident without wishing i had been quick enough to say, I'll let him get run over next time if that suits you better?
ReplyDeletethere have been days when, in the face of nastiness, i have wanted to hand my child to my critic and say, Do better … in my calmer moments i tell myself it says more about them than it ever will about me.
and you always have here to vent. xt