I'm not one for "resolutions" as such but I do like the idea of fresh starts very much. I don't have to wait for a new year to make a fresh start but it always seems like such a good time to do that.
I blogged last year about how I want to make my life, our lives as a family more simple and focused and I know that is what we need so I'll be devoting energy to being organised, spending time doing what is important and trying like hell to not sweat the small stuff.
As I'm making my way through the newborn baby haze I wonder about the sense of village that once worked together in support of raising children. My Mr is very supportive of me and any decisions we make and he's trying hard to be home as much as he can to help with the boys, my Mum can help a bit but the reality of my life is that I'm mainly in this day to day Mama thing on my own and without a lot of physical support. My close friends either work full-time, have children of their own and juggle that with part-time work or live on the other side of the world. And so I have found a sense of community online in ways I never dreamed I would. Some of whom I now consider to be good friends even though we have never met. Part of me thinks that the energy I invest here should be channeled to other things and just maybe that's the right thing though for the moment I'm not sure.
The thing that comes with a very hungry baby is too much time with my own thoughts. I have so very much floating about in my head, so much to work through in order to be the best version of myself I can be. I have dreams I am working towards achieving and new dreams bubbling away. There are things I want to say but don't know how and many others that I need to work through in order to accept them for what they are. There's a lot going on in my head in a very jumbled way.
As a person who is validated by achieving "things" and having things in order I find the baby phase of parenting hard to relax in to. I'm not getting much much achieved beyond feeding Little Lion and trying my best to keep Bebito occupied and happy. When both my smalls are tucked up in bed for the night I find myself physically and emotionally exhausted. I have very little left for myself to work towards achieving my dreams. I know from having been here before that this phase doesn't last forever and I need to ride it out. I will look back and miss hearing Little Lion's breath slow down as he gets ready for sleep. The days sure do seem long when all the baby does is feed, fuss and scream but these little ones don't stay babies for long in the scheme of things.
I'm certain these beautiful sons of mine have been sent my way to remind me to slow down and stop the internal dialogue that tells me I need to have everything in perfect order in order to be a good mum or wife. They all love me just as much if the floor has been mopped or not. I'm doing my best to let that all go within reasonable limits. It has also occurred to me that maybe the imperfections will teach us all some valuable lessons and allow for well, fun!
All of this is a very long winded way of saying I can see that things are changing for our little foursome and it will be fascinating to see where this year takes us. I am really very open to all manner of possibilities and really hope that I can embrace the impossible a little too.
Thank you for being part of my journey in the past - for your words of encouragement, empathy, wisdom and for telling me like it is when I needed to hear that too. I'm looking forward to seeing what the year brings us all.
Much love,
Cat.
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I hope this year is everything you hope for, Cat! I'm still running with those two words as well - simple and focused. Let's try to keep that in mind as the year hits its stride and tries to suck us into its vortex of complication!
ReplyDeleteI'm totally with you lovely! The way you have expressed yourself here is pretty much the sum of how I'm feeling too. Struggling with this newborn phase as much as I love it. And then when we do get two seconds to ourselves at night there is nothing left in the tank! I just know though that I will blink and Ben will be starting preschool.....am also really trying hard to live in these moments more, as hard as they are sometimes, and just enjoy and have fun even if the house does look a little cluttered from time to time.....just let it go, that's what I keep telling myself! Here's to 2012! We can do it!! xx
ReplyDeleteI get what you mean and where you're at. My littlest is almost 10 months now but for a lot of 2011, I've lived in the fog and repetition that you describe. I'm not sure when it'll totally clear but I just hang in there and try not to expect too much of myself. Wishing it settles a bit for you in 2012.
ReplyDeleteI just don't remember Flynn as a baby plain and simple. I have very few memories because you need sleep to lay down memories and I had very little sleep!!
ReplyDeleteI am so excited about 2012 because I can't wait to see how our family grows and changes and I'm excited to see/hear some of your plans, Cat! xo
Such a lovely philosophy in the baby years, Cat. Slow down, simplify.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I do always think when mums look online for their village, though, is that there are heaps and heaps of mums in your 'real' village who are probably itching to meet someone just like you (who wouldn't!)) I say, love the online support, but don't forget to seek it out at around you as well. Nothing beats a walk with a fellow mum (and online pals can't babysit!)
Happy days and cheers to fresh starts.
x
Cat,
ReplyDeleteI read this and my first thought was 'holy cow, I am going to have another baby in April - this is where I am going to be in about 16 weeks'. I must admit that Hamish has been a much better baby than Nate ever was. Nate was terrible, I remember it getting to about 4pm in the afternoon and just bursting into tear because I didn't want it to get dark - that is when the trouble would really start!
You know what, like you said they have been sent to us with their little personalities for a very good reason - not sure what that is but I am sure it will become clear one day!
You just got to take time to smell the roses lovely and like I have said to you before what gets done, gets done and what doesn't, doesn't matter.
Happy 2012 gorgeous.
xxxx
I think you are amazing and although I'm not in your physical world, you have truly been one of the best gifts in my life during 2011!!! Wish we lived nearby, our boys would rule the parks together!
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to purge those thoughts, I'm here ready to listen, chat or whatever you may need! You've been brilliantly helpful and given awesome advice to me over the past year, it's the least I can do!
Wishing you a happy and healthy 2012 - before you know it those tricky newborn days will be over and you will be in a new phase.xoxoxoxo