I don't like amusement parks. Actually that's not true, I like the clowns in sideshow alley and corn on the cob and the smell of hot cinnamon doughnuts. I like walking about and chatting to my companions and people watching too. I like the wandering really. I don't like rides though. Not even one little bit. I get madly motion sick and am scared witless of heights so nothing about an amusement park ride is appealing to me. And really that's a good metaphor for my life. I like the food, the smells, walking about and having a chat, playing some games but I don't like the high highs and I don't like the low lows, it makes me want to throw up. I thrive best on solid ground.
Lately, I've been finding myself feeling like I want to throw up quite a lot. I have to immerse myself into being busy with the small people (not hard!) or cook up a huge storm in order to hide from that feeling for even a short while. I've started to sleep woefully even when the boys sleep well. Some of it is the not knowing which way to turn in the way of parenting, especially with Little Lion (it makes me laugh when people say parents should trust their instincts with babies cos I don't have many instincts with parenting a baby, though I do with a toddler). Some of it is feeling entirely lost in my role as parent and wife but part of it is that I don't know what is next for me. My job isn't secure, it may or may not be happening later in the year. Financially we may or may cope if I didn't go back to work. I'm not really sure. I'd like to start my own business I think and though I have ideas I don't have start up funds and I don't have the energy to invest in a new "thing". I also know with every inch of me that I need to focus on making life easy not more complex at the moment so I'm hesitant to take on such a huge challenge at this time.
The ground is a bit wobbly beneath my feet and I am really grateful for the solid rock of my darling husband or I'd have already fallen in a heap.
Some days I feel ok - the sun shines, I play with my boys, I laugh, I call or visit a friend, I make nice food and eat that nice food too but something is niggling at me - that there needs to be something more. I have no idea what that "more" is but in the meantime I will have to embrace the wonkiness til I make it back to solid ground.
Image: Zila Longenecker
We're on that parallel again, Cat - we simplify life and focus on the things we have to or want to. But our minds won't stop thinking of other things we could or should or might want to do.
ReplyDeleteStanding on solid ground and trusting that things will work out is hard!
I didn't have instincts with babies either - I chopped and changed and felt on edge the whole time.
ReplyDeleteI have trouble with the same thing that Megan talked about - and I can't seem to stop myself starting something new even when I'm still 'on wobbly ground'...
Hope you find your balance on that wonky ground - I think having children leaves the ground permanently wonky for a while so the best we can do is ride it out!
Oh Cat, I promise, you have instincts, just sometimes they're clouded over by the all the shoulds and books and the fake true. There are the peeps who tell us what we SHOULD be doing and we lack faith in ourselves so we put stock in what they are saying. There is what the books tell us to do but books are written about the 'average' baby and I haven't met one of them yet. The fake true is all the other mums, new or old, who flat out bullshit us about what it was like for them and leave us feeling like we are failures because they were so successful when in reality they floundered just as much as we did.
ReplyDeleteHaving instincts isn't the same as acting on them. Sometimes you know what is right but you second guess yourself so you don't follow through on it and you feel stuck or lost.
The anxiety I felt with Flynn was so crippling that I still feel the physical effects of it when similar situations happen now, nearly 3 years later. If Ruby is sleeping and a dog barks I feel sick in my stomach without knowing why until I realise it is because I lived so on edge with Flynn and his woeful sleeping (amongst other things!) that the bark WOULD have woken him and feeling ill was a physical response to the stress of dealing with an overworked, super tired baby! It's never about my response to Ruby, it was just such an overwhelmingly crippling experience that I'm like Pavlov's dog!!
So much to say, point is, if I survived, I promise, anyone can! And yes, some days it is a matter of holding on and hoping for the best. *mwah* xo
The wise ladies above have said it all beautifully. We are all stumbling and falling and leaning on each other for advice, distraction and a giggle.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing an incredible job, despite feeling unsure. Take comfort in that. Your boys are so lucky! This is the hardest stage and sometimes you just need to have faith that things will get easier with the boys' stages and sleep and I know the work thing will pan out for you - you have too much talent for it to not!
Most importantly, shout out if you need some help or just a chat.
Big hugs.xoxoxo
I'm still learning from you, as I'm improving myself. I definitely liked reading all that is posted on your blog.Keep the aarticles coming. I liked it!
ReplyDeleteOgon Designs Blue Aluminum Metal Credit Card Case Wallet